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chapter one

understanding men's Passages

understanding men'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the new MAP OF guys'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM apartment, INC.

or not it's a guy factor

    It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to men than to women. My research over the past eight years has published a extraordinary reversal: many men forty and over are having a harder time nowadays making a satisfying passage into the second half of their lives than are most girls. Why?

    women believe pangs over losing their early life.

    guys think dread.

    "it be the dread of dropping efficiency!" says my buddy Fitzgerald. "it's imagining yourself as an actor onstage who has misplaced his voice."

    There are some inevitable adjustments as we tramp the experience of lifestyles. guys constantly hit them as they'd a brick wall--and then may additionally fall aside. if they knew what to are expecting in enhance, it may aid them to grasp these changes and profit from them.

    The factor of this publication is to support men and their partners to outwit the inevitable alterations forward. these days, certainly for guys under 50, the timing of marker routine--finishing school, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has turned out to be unpredictable. What a person is supposed to do, and when, is not clear. it's each unique and disorienting, like crusing for a brand new world but wondering if you will drop off the edge of the historical one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a bit misplaced is infrequently on my own.

    the 1st step is to understand the passages that guys move through after age 40, and then to discover, inside the new map of guys's lives, easy methods to travel these new passages for your self with more desirable focus and a passport to renewal. Even on a discipline as threatening as "male menopause," the news is respectable and getting enhanced. it is gradually becoming diagnosed as a mindbody syndrome it is completely regular, common, treatable, and infrequently reversible. Pharmaceutical organizations are racing to present men perpetual virility--by means of popping a tablet. As instant and compelling as is the challenge most men have with how their sexual efficiency could be suffering from getting old, there's tons extra worried in restoring vitality and virility than putting more lead returned within the pencil. intellect-set matters at the least as a good deal as bodily changes. The whole gamut of causes and the miraculous armamentarium for fighting male menopause are spelled out later in the book.

    Why single out guys? it be no longer as radical a departure because it might appear; I actually have been writing about the predictable and unpredictable alterations of adult life for each sexes seeing that the publication of Passages in 1976. however after twenty years of probing the psyche and decoding the affect of cultural shifts on each sexes, I confronted a humbling admission:

    men don't understand ladies, but at the least they comprehend it. women do not understand men, however they do not know it. Does here dialogue sound in any respect usual?

    "what's wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why might not you talk to me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you seem to be so down."

    "i'm simply drained."

    "but you just sit down around gazing tv. occasionally, you can get probably the most drained from doing nothing."

    "i am not doing nothing! There are issues I must consider about."

    "It appears such as you've come to a degree in your life the place issues are altering for you. How does that make you suppose?"

    "or not it's simply some thing you should move through."

    "i'd want to support. won't you talk to me about it?"

    "what is there to assert?"

    "what's it you desire out of life? simply make up your mind and be straight with me."

    "I have no idea what I need."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i do know I actually have survived a couple of of these attempting-to-assist-however-simplest-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption amongst women is that they comprehend what is wrong with their guys, and that they may repair it if handiest guys would pay attention. but do many women basically understand what it be like for a man today?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary graphic artist and a wise and cherished pal, made this remark of the cultural lag between the genders: "ladies are constructing a new belief device; a new manner of viewing lifestyles is coalescing. Most guys do not know what's occurring to them. They won't have any idea what to accept as true with in. For lots of us, the values we grew up with were subverted and changed. men are astonished at this trade; they have not formulated a response to it. it be a time when men are very, very unclear."

    men might also no longer equate alternate with boom. commonly talking, they affiliate change with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't seen as a favorable part of inner boom and the highway to a brand new kind of vigour. exceptionally in the first half of their lives, guys are rewarded for placing blinders on and pursuing their slim profession course: existence seems easy.

    "In my corporate lifestyles, i'm at all times telling enterprise leaders how important it's to step back, examine traits, see what the long run could convey, and plan forward for it," says a new York public family members man, "but in my personal and profession existence, neglect it." He expresses a male view as historical as time: "I just keep moving ahead in a sort of dumb-beast approach, seeing the next opportunity and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping everything will figure out for me. whether as guys we are hardwired to think that approach or it's the steady system of socialization, we just do not like to alternate."

    You may were speeding alongside the route you set to your twenties when, all at once, the highway turns bumpy. or you hit a washed-out patch and cannot circulate forward. Or the juice without problems drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge yourself? trade gears? Who do you flip to for aid?

    It has become a cliche to say that men don't like to ask questions. obviously, this is no longer always true. (My husband has stopped at the nearest gasoline station to ask for instructions at least as soon as.) but men haven't been taught to ask questions about their sexual lifestyles cycle or their health or psychological smartly-being. They don't feel they have got the time or want for such consultations--unless catastrophe strikes. experiences display that men make a long way fewer visits to medical doctors than women, and when they do go, they generally don't ask any questions. beneath the silence and stoicism, besides the fact that children, most guys over 40 sense that the enjoying container of lifestyles is radically diverse from the world of their fathers.

    An economic revolution corresponding to the industrial Revolution is pitting mature men against more youthful, laptop-savvy digerati. journey might also now not count number for as an awful lot in marketplaces concentrated on the now. no longer handiest are new skills demanded, for which a couple of generations--older child boomers, the "Silent technology," the area war II era--aren't organized, however a unique attitude is required. The suggestions of the video game between corporation and employee have modified. You used to be capable of count number on the company father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the enterprise is a virtual father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you can under no circumstances be clear where you stand.

    The ground of members of the family between men and girls has additionally passed through an earthquake of trade. guys of the child-boom and earlier generations had been socialized, as boys, to expect a naturally prescribed function within the benign patriarchy portrayed in established lifestyle via suggests akin to Ozzie & Harriet and leave It to Beaver. As younger adults they were thrown off balance, ridiculed by way of the ladies's stream, and later disregarded through some tutorial activists as belonging to a continuum of "useless white men." In middle existence they locate themselves competing with a newly assured species of younger knowledgeable girls. Add the pressure to stay youthful and reveal perpetual virility, and a lot of of modern guys over forty are in difficulty. If a man keeps taking part in by means of the historical scoreboard and the old timetable, he is prone to strike out.

    in this climate of uncertainty, a whole bunch of guys have talked to me candidly about all kinds of forbidden subjects: their considerations about getting old, the ebbing of physical strength and athletic prowess, their fears of dropping their jobs and their fathers, the which means disaster they face on the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working other halves, their wish to be nearer to their babies before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the complete question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    perhaps you never notion these questions would subject you. you've gotten never notion about now not being young. a well-recognized entertainer changed into greatly surprised the primary time lie went in the course of the supermarket line and he checkout woman appeared throughout him. nevertheless good-looking, even though his jawline is now somewhat softened, he is less cocky and fewer confrontational; he seems to have calmed down and warmed up--qualities that could possibly boost his powers of enchantment. Yet once we talked, he might focus only on the terrible aspects of these alterations: "You think separated from early life at the identical time you are feeling diminished in genuine power and stamina; you delivery being omitted by means of more youthful guys; the sex isn't as remarkable because it turned into; an incredible need to be young again comes over you."

    once I ask men if they ever talk over these questions with their male chums, they almost always shake their heads: "No."

    Why not?

    "or not it's a guy element."

    many of the time they don't even discuss these concerns with their better halves, who are sometimes preoccupied with their own midlife changes. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i used to be stopped by an brisk-searching girl with a booklet bag slung over her shoulder. I began returned to faculty in my late thirties," she said. "i could have a good time my forty-2nd birthday by using getting my diploma as a medical social worker. My husband stored complaining, 'you're altering. Why? i'm the equal man you married twenty years in the past.' Bingo! it's the rationale we're getting divorced."

    The husband doubtless thinks that last the identical, and hiding his emotions and frustration, is being manly. He may also think caught, even trapped, through his fiscal tasks. He expects himself to be the equal company, the same aggressive competitor he at all times turned into, expecting his physique to take punishment and burn fat and entice ladies the style it at all times did. however underneath the bravado he likely would not believe the equal thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His total identity is tied up with the fame he has accomplished to date. If he lets go even a little, what else is there?

    He can't think about the way to exchange. Why may still he?

    When women in midlife go lower back to faculty, beginning new careers, or go away stifling marriages, for essentially the most half they're exhilarated. even if their salary and standing is not as terrific as a man's, they derive more advantageous delight--as a result of they began with so a great deal much less. The men they go away at the back of are sometimes resentful, even jealous, having doubtless helped to finance a former wife's emergence into the popularity of "being my own grownup" at the expense of their personal revamping.

    Linear reasoning is probably going to steer a person to consider, "as soon as I achieve definite issues, then i'll be happy." nevertheless it is not most effective titles and cloth accomplishments that rely. And when those external achievements fall to provide that means and joyfulness on agenda, men become annoyed. confused. indignant. And ashamed to confess it.

    This male malaise has no name. it is a gloomy continent. Most men don't admire--or refuse to settle for--that they proceed to go through diverse ranges all the way through their adult lives. And few men I actually have studied are even conscious that critical new passages still lie ahead--after forty. These crossroads demand a full cease and a pause to look inward. They current a person with a chance to stretch and growth, or to lock in and regress. it's critical to let go of a bit control during these times of passage in order that an historic shell can be sloughed off and house made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to develop.

    Transitional intervals are always unsettling, for anyone. however an absence of attention makes it more doubtless that a man may additionally slide into depression and do all sorts of self-harmful things. more commonly than now not, men are not even mindful of being depressed. They begin slipping down the cliff, inch by inch, whereas clutching frantically for the rest to hang on to or with ease numbing themselves to what looks like an inevitable descent down the again side of life.

    This publication gifts a brighter outlook, according to research with modern day new men. it is men in center existence who have the optimal possibility to become masters of their fate--stronger lovers, more desirable fathers, more true to themselves and their personal values, freer to express their feelings and exercise their creativity, more influential, extra collaborative, more religious. They want most effective expertise and a mind open adequate to receive it.

    but time is operating out! no longer basically as quick as you consider. basically, the center years are the stage of competencies optimum neatly-being in the lives of suit expert americans nowadays. You don't accept as true with it? agree with some information:

ARE YOU organized FOR a further existence?

We are living in the course of the finest miracle 'within the history of our species--the doubling of lifestyles expectancy considering the fact that the economic Revolution. again when the USA changed into based, lifestyles expectancy at birth stood at best about 35 years. through 1900, it reached 47 years. one of the crucial dazzling developments of the twentieth century has been to stretch the life cycle with the aid of a typical of thirty years--more than the total received over five thousand years going returned to the Bronze Age! a different shock of decent information on life expectancy regarded 'in September 1997 'in the big apple times:

In 1996 by myself, American men added six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a brand new high.

    That became in response to an evaluation of U.S. a must have statistics by means of the centers for disorder manage. The general male life span is now seventy three years. it's also catching up with the feminine lifestyles span (now a normal of 79), as the number of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of coronary heart sickness and melanoma decline. Between now and the 12 months 2030, the share of individuals over age sixty five will almost double. And this might be real, even sooner, everywhere Europe.

    great, you may additionally say, but if a long life span capacity spending years with my bulb dimming and my body falling aside, forget it. all of us look to our fathers and moms as mirrors of our personal growing old. these are miscues in lots of methods. When our fogeys grew to become 50, we notion they have been historical. They thought they have been old. due to the fact 1950, unimagined advances have been made in medicine; and, more pertinent, public fitness education during the mass media has brought on profound changes in own behavior. americans in core life nowadays have a really distinctive life profile from that of their fogeys, who have been expected to show off their intellectual engines of their fifties. They failed to dream of running marathons or gulping down hormones to keep them randy unless their eighties.

    people are maturing earlier, physically, but taking longer to grow up emotionally, and plenty, an awful lot longer to develop historic. For the middle courses, formative years is now prolonged except the conclusion of the twenties. Our First maturity most effective starts off at about age 30. someplace across the midforties we enter an enormous passage into what was a rather staid, if not stagnant, core age.

    Yet we seem to be more reluctant to grow up than ever before. Of the a whole bunch of men over 40 whom I have interviewed, most trust they're 5 to ten years younger than that imposter whose photo come what may slipped interior their passports. nowadays the midpoint of adulthood isn't any longer necessarily 40--it's extra like 50.

Fifty is what forty was.

    if you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, that you would be able to adjust your lens on growing older. Beneficiaries of the growth in guys's fitness, biotechnology, and mind research, you belong to a species unparalleled on the planet, a species whose lifestyles span will robotically prolong into your eighties and nineties. This skill you have to prepare for the chance of an additional life--past the average roles and tasks--since the years from forty to 80 or 90 supply you an entire new enjoying field: what I name your "second maturity."

    In 2nd maturity you start to gain knowledge of that fulfillment In lifestyles isn't in as a result easily racking up facets on a single scoreboard. somewhat, there are a few distinct scoreboards--as son, mate, father, buddy, colleague, mentor, community intelligent man, benefactor. The critical innings of 2nd maturity are neither played with the aid of the same guidelines nor scored in the same approach as a younger man's online game. but most guys are so concentrated on successful in the first half, they always pass over the signals that can put together them with a profitable approach for center and later existence.

    Gary Markovitz, for instance, become a fine soldier. Having served in Vietnam and back to faculty to train as a technocrat, he had defined himself for seventeen years totally in the context of his enterprise. "When americans asked me what i'm, i used to be an IBMer," he admits. "now not Gary who labored at IBM, however an IBMer."

    by means of his midforties he began to ask yourself if his batteries had been wearing down, however it didn't occur to him to wonder what else he might enjoy doing. He heard about his company's buyout present whereas on a business commute to San Francisco. firstly he had no hobby in it. however on the airplane experience home he discovered himself pondering a friend's contemporary funeral. the person had come up through the ranks at IBM with Gary and had all at once handed far from melanoma.

    Gary discovered himself ticking off, finger by way of finger, just how many individuals may well be counted on to display up for his own funeral. He failed to get very a ways. What cost did he have outdoor IBM? He idea about his oldest son, who became already 25. earlier than long, there could be a grandson sitting on his knee. innocent and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do this intended anything?"

    I made cash.

    "It did not pass the grandfather check," Gary decided. "I may well be doing more suitable issues."

but i am no longer equipped!

a person in his late forties in a Minneapolis viewers expressed a typical problem of guys: "supply it to me straight. Do I should lose vigour as I grow older?"

    On the contrary. The vigour of intellect, rooted in event, most effective increases as we meet the predictable crises and accidents of existence and find our resilience. a whole new stage has unfolded in the middle of life: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from a long time 45 to sixty five. The passage from First to second adulthood and into the Age of Mastery basically transforms the conception of power.

    baby boomers need a e-book to their center lifestyles. Theirs will be a brand-new event, filled with surprises. 4 out of every ten American adults belong to the baby-boom generation, which, in line with my research with the U.S.. Census Bureau, should be divided into two subgenerations. The leading edge may also be referred to as the "Vietnam technology" (born 1946-1955). here's President Bin Clinton and British best Minister Tony Blair's technology, which they describe as being robust in beliefs but detached to the old ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties got here of age anticipating that everything would at all times get more suitable, and for many of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties shaped their utopian recognition, and vestiges of that spirit are nevertheless with them, tempered by means of the cynicism of the instances.

    The younger half of the boomers--the "Me technology"--got here of age in the Nineteen Seventies (born 1956-1965) and overlooked a great deal of the idealism of the Vietnam era, however focused greater on personal development. They dreamed of achieving the completely balanced lifestyles and accordingly continue to delay taking up lots of the tasks of full maturity. however they are far more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, gay partnerships, single parenthood, and different social experiments. both halves of this dominant era have always been tremendously individualistic and accordingly irreconcilably divided. however on one problem they appear to be in total agreement:

Boomers don't accept middle age.

    Boomer guys do not see themselves as aging. and they definitely don't count on any adjustments of their peak sexual performance--it may well happen to different guys, however no longer to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can carry the question: is that this the starting of the dreaded falling off?

THE deserve to KNOWAND THE fear OF knowing

In lectures according to my ultimate book, New Passages, one question is at all times sure to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there is a necessity to grasp and an equally weighty fear of figuring out. when I first grew to become aware of the phenomenon, the evidence from men became especially anecdotal. Six guys sitting around a midtown big apple bar after work--virile earnings managers and a hit retailers--all of whom appear to be backing up the hill from their midforties toward the superb divide at 50. they have got a few drinks, and, within my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the relaxation: "inform the truth. How repeatedly have you ever faked being asleep when your spouse gets into mattress with a glow in her eyes)"

    every man laughs. Then a crevice falls open within the conversation. the man in the energy tie who posed the question reaches out for a lifeline: "I imply, doesn't that ensue to you guys?"

    certain, Mr. Winkle doesn't like to drink," one more man says, chuckling. The rest chime in, placing off the issue on overwork, stress, having a couple of too many.

    however these occasional elements don't do much to illuminate the secret of why so many men in center lifestyles step by step lose their vitality and virility. They see just a little older chums trade from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They wonder: Will it occur to me? Of path, being guys, they refuse to talk about it. At most, the discipline is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is going for walks down the highway when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "if you decide upon me up and kiss me, i'll turninto a gorgeous woman."

the man picks up the frog and places It Into his pocket.

"don't seem to be you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i could turn into a wonderful woman and you'll have me all you need."

"i might quite have a talking frog in my pocket."

what is occurring? Are we speakme conveniently about growing older? yes, however also about a larger problem to a man's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with actual, hormonal, psychological, and sociological add-ons--it really is now trendily called "male menopause." "We do not yet have a term for this 5- to 12-12 months period of midlife in men, but we are aware of it is shared via each genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the realm association for Social Psychiatry and scientific professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington school school of drugs.

    It quickly became obvious to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is only as fundamental because the ending of the fertile period of a lady's life, since it strikes at the core of what it is to be a man--the component a person has all the time counted on to carry him pleasure, the component that has worked for him a whole lot of times, mindlessly, like a desktop, by means of himself or with any number of companions, the supply of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual power and performance.

    within the April 1993 difficulty of vanity reasonable, with Sharon Stone on the cover stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to post some of the first full discussions of the area: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever considering that, guys and ladies had been speaking privately to me about this issue devoid of a correct identify. Interviews with more than a hundred guys between the a while of forty and 70 about this field published that almost all had been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up absolutely at a loss for words. I have additionally followed the work of some two dozen medical certified in this narrow container who examine and deal with guys over forty plagued by some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later lifestyles. while the broader medical establishment nevertheless by using and massive geese the area, the mass media additionally stay wary of touching the subject, and i found why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

in the future within the fall of 1996 I obtained a name from a dynamic young producer on the severe CBS magazine exhibit 48 Hours. Chuck Stevenson had read my work on male menopause and interviewed some clinical experts, and he wanted to put collectively a chunk about men in center life in sexual crisis. Chuck was most effective forty one. a little younger to be brooding about male menopause?

    "truly, i'm discovering the field charming," he referred to. As he noticed it, "The precursor to men's midlife crisis is reduced sexual means, which then triggers all these a considerable number of psychological emotions."

    i used to be delighted with Chuck's enlightened strategy. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty got here out to do the interview within the backyard of my home in Berkeley, together with a 3-man production crew.

    For the interview, Chuck desired to the touch on "technical menopause--that small percent of guys who in fact should not have the testosterone."

    What I really desired to focus on turned into no longer the small percentage of men who are already so incapacitated they may are seeking for surgical aid My issue is the whole center latitude of men who do not know what is ordinary and who, when their sexual habits or performance changes, become so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull far from any intimacy. On digital camera, I described essentially the most ordinary scenario:

The longer this problem is still unstated between a couple,the greater monstrous it grows, except there is an eight-hundred-poundgorilla within the bed room. no one mentions it for sixmonths, two years, 5 years; in the meantime, the pair stopshugging, stops maintaining arms, stops touching altogether,strikes to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They become estranged in all styles of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot changed into over, I requested the producer how the piece can be titled and promoted. "it is going to be the hardest factor for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How do we make this phase move without scaring off guys? We cannot say 'midlife disaster' or 'change of existence.'" sooner or later, the segment become titled "Undercover," which become inoffensive however meaningless. Nothing become left in in regards to the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck stated that the piece did not work. The rationale, he instructed me with feel sorry about, become the giant sensitivity of senior network executives to letting us focus on impotence.

    however was the response of the television production crew that proved the most exciting. broadly speaking, a digicam crew tunes out whereas filming and simply focuses on doing its job. whereas we mentioned the male menopause, these three guys blanched and reddened, but they held on to every word. After the shooting they stuck round to talk.

    i wished to listen to about it," one of the cameramen said candidly, "however I do not need to focus on it."

    "It became hitting too near domestic for me," admitted one other crew member. He become in his forties and dwelling via divorce hell. She was the one who left. "What basically needs to be noted is the proven fact that when a person has a midlife sexual disaster, people frequently say, 'it's all to your mind, snap out of it.'

    "nonetheless it's really a part of the natural path of movements," probably the most cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "it is correct," said his colleague. "i can see now the place you may get that rhinoceros on your bed room, or whatever thing you known as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks could form."

    "That made feel to me, too," said the cameraman, "as a result of when conversation breaks down in a wedding, or not it's all long gone." suddenly his colleague had an Aha! moment--a kind of little epiphanies that abruptly throws a floodlight on what one's existence is in reality about.

    "this is what took place in our marriage! no person in fact talked concerning the gorilla. We just grew further and further apart. I don't believe love it changed into my fault. i was doing my obligation, doing what i used to be imagined to do. i was just ready it out. She obtained tired of waiting, and it happened hastily--the wedding fell apart."

    Doing one's responsibility and never speaking concerning the internal fall down of 1's complete theory of oneself is an all-too-ordinary "manly" stance at midlife. This book is supposed as a friendly e book out of such useless ends. No man should still squander his valuable lifestyles "simply ready it out." And once he discovers the interesting new map of guys's lives, laid out here in statistics in addition to many dwelling examples, he should be lured to explore new continents of imagination and journey under no circumstances earlier than dreamt of by using past generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt corporation All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

author'S notice.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX part I: WHAT DO guys want? Chapter One or not it's a guy component....................................three Are You organized for another existence?...........................eight but i'm no longer capable!..........................................11 The need to be aware of and the concern of understanding....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the brand new MAP OF grownup life..........................17 The spouse's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover life?.....................22 half II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nonetheless believe LIKE a kid?..................27 The arrogance disaster...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the father-Son Midlife energy struggle.......................36 if you happen to Comin' home, Son?..................................37 The dead Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................forty one Chapter 4 MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................45 Yuppie enjoying catch-up.....................................forty six Banker "Excessed" at home...................................forty seven the sole Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................forty seven The Idealist's Angst........................................47 a hard Time to Be a person in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................52 Are You What You Smoke?.....................................fifty three "The massive impossible"........................................fifty five The Reluctant Father........................................58 First Fatality Jitters......................................60 moving Up the Mortality Markers.............................63 Honor among men.............................................sixty four Manly sports: more than just a game.........................66 latest Manhood fashions......................................69 Chapter 5 MARRIED AND MORTAL................................78 The Aha! moment.............................................78 The heart of the be counted.....................................81 The Stonewaller's protection...................................eighty five The challenge with wives......................................88 part III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2nd maturity...................ninety five The Samson complicated..........................................97 Mature Masculinity.........................................one hundred Former pro soccer megastar...................................102 Geezer in Graduate faculty..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 beyond power...............................................108 Barry Diller's look for Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of impact............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR life before THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The dark night of Joe O'Dell...............................122 destructive Defenses.......................................a hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they may in no way fire Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of chance..................................133 Midlife funds Realities....................................135 What could Spook John Wayne?...............................136 hand over "i am the large Shot".................................137 constructing a team............................................139 Opening the non secular Dimension............................141 find Your ardour and Pursue It............................144 Chapter Eight LOVE AND warfare WITH other halves, FATHERS, babies......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: consolation or disaster?.......................149 teaching the educate.........................................151 Withholding sex............................................one hundred fifty five The security web wife........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................one hundred sixty mind-sex alterations..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mom....................................................164 Father hunger..............................................166 Letting Go of a growing Son................................167 how many men pals are you able to count?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You competent for Love in the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S terrified of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL lifestyles CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual lifestyles Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 guys Behaving Intelligently.................................189 mind over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You fairly Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is more suitable Than sex..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a person's master Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial lady......................................209 Teaming as much as locate the right remedy.....................210 half V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets of smartly-being within the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement home...............219 do not Retire! Redirect!....................................220 searching for your Postcareer profession.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve growth VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 do not returned Up, extreme Tire damage!.........................231 assist is not difficult to Get....................................233 i'm not Having a coronary heart assault!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of fate................................239 half VI: WHAT keeps a man younger? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL wisdom........................243 Do guys ought to Die sooner than ladies?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 becoming and Regenerating brain.............................251 non secular starvation...........................................253 Love in the Twilight of existence...............................254 A Lusty iciness.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 dealing with Job Loss.......................................259 suggestions for Surviving Job Loss in center lifestyles...........260 elements: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 resources: Couples remedy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 looking for a doctor/Male fitness clinic...................264 substances: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual health considerations..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples workouts............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning signs of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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