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M9510-726 Mastery guide

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Books

chapter one

understanding men's Passages

understanding men'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the new MAP OF guys'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM house, INC.

it's a man aspect

    It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to guys than to girls. My research over the past eight years has revealed a wonderful reversal: many men 40 and over are having a more durable time today making a lovely passage into the 2d half of their lives than are most ladies. Why?

    women believe pangs over losing their adolescence.

    men feel dread.

    "or not it's the dread of dropping efficiency!" says my pal Fitzgerald. "or not it's imagining yourself as an actor onstage who has lost his voice."

    There are some inevitable adjustments as we tramp the journey of lifestyles. guys constantly hit them as they'd a brick wall--and then may additionally fall apart. in the event that they knew what to expect in increase, it might aid them to master these alterations and take advantage of them.

    The element of this e-book is to help men and their partners to outwit the inevitable adjustments forward. nowadays, mainly for men under 50, the timing of marker activities--finishing school, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has grew to become out to be unpredictable. What a person is meant to do, and when, isn't clear. it is both pleasing and disorienting, like crusing for a brand new world but questioning if you will drop off the fringe of the historic one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a little misplaced is hardly ever by myself.

    the first step is to be mindful the passages that men go through after age forty, and then to discover, in the new map of men's lives, the best way to trip these new passages for yourself with more advantageous attention and a passport to renewal. Even on a field as threatening as "male menopause," the information is respectable and getting superior. it's regularly becoming diagnosed as a mindbody syndrome that is completely common, common, treatable, and sometimes reversible. Pharmaceutical corporations are racing to offer men perpetual virility--by using popping a capsule. As immediate and compelling as is the problem most guys have with how their sexual performance could be littered with getting old, there is an awful lot greater concerned in restoring vitality and virility than putting more lead lower back within the pencil. intellect-set concerns at the least as a lot as bodily changes. The total gamut of causes and the fabulous armamentarium for combating male menopause are spelled out later within the publication.

    Why single out guys? or not it's now not as radical a departure because it might appear; I actually have been writing about the predictable and unpredictable alterations of adult existence for both sexes in view that the ebook of Passages in 1976. but after twenty years of probing the psyche and interpreting the impact of cultural shifts on both sexes, I confronted a humbling admission:

    men do not remember women, however at least they comprehend it. women do not be aware guys, but they don't realize it. Does right here dialogue sound at all widespread?

    "what is wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why might not you check with me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you appear so down."

    "i'm just tired."

    "however you simply sit around observing tv. every now and then, that you could get probably the most drained from doing nothing."

    "i'm not doing nothing! There are things I ought to believe about."

    "It seems like you've come to some extent for your existence where things are changing for you. How does that make you believe?"

    "it's simply anything you ought to go through."

    "i'd want to assist. may not you consult with me about it?"

    "what's there to say?"

    "what is it you need out of life? simply make up your intellect and be straight with me."

    "I don't know what I want."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i do know I have survived a couple of of those making an attempt-to-aid-but-most effective-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption among girls is that they recognize what's wrong with their guys, and that they might fix it if most effective men would hear. but do many ladies definitely comprehend what it's like for a person these days?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary photo artist and a smart and cherished buddy, made this observation of the cultural lag between the genders: "ladies are constructing a new perception gadget; a brand new approach of viewing existence is coalescing. Most men do not know what's happening to them. They wouldn't have any theory what to trust in. For a lot of us, the values we grew up with have been subverted and adjusted. men are astonished at this alternate; they have not formulated a response to it. or not it's a time when guys are very, very uncertain."

    guys may now not equate change with growth. often speaking, they associate trade with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't seen as a good part of internal boom and the highway to a brand new sort of vigor. above all in the first half of their lives, men are rewarded for placing blinders on and pursuing their narrow profession direction: lifestyles appears easy.

    "In my company life, i am at all times telling business leaders how critical it's to step returned, analyze tendencies, see what the future might deliver, and plan forward for it," says a new York public members of the family man, "however in my personal and profession existence, forget it." He expresses a male view as old as time: "I simply hold moving forward in a sort of dumb-beast method, seeing the subsequent chance and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping every thing will determine for me. no matter if as men we are hardwired to consider that way or it be the constant process of socialization, we just do not like to change."

    You can also were speeding alongside the route you place to your twenties when, suddenly, the highway turns bumpy. otherwise you hit a washed-out patch and can't movement forward. Or the juice comfortably drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge yourself? change gears? Who do you flip to for help?

    It has develop into a cliche to say that men do not like to ask questions. absolutely, here's not at all times genuine. (My husband has stopped on the nearest gas station to ask for instructions at least as soon as.) but guys haven't been taught to ask questions about their sexual life cycle or their health or psychological smartly-being. They do not suppose they have the time or want for such consultations--except catastrophe strikes. reports exhibit that guys make a ways fewer visits to medical doctors than girls, and after they do go, they commonly do not ask any questions. underneath the silence and stoicism, youngsters, most men over 40 sense that the enjoying field of lifestyles is radically distinctive from the area of their fathers.

    An economic revolution corresponding to the economic Revolution is pitting mature men towards younger, computer-savvy digerati. event can also not count number for as a lot in marketplaces concentrated on the now. now not most effective are new knowledge demanded, for which several generations--older child boomers, the "Silent generation," the world warfare II generation--aren't organized, however a unique attitude is required. The rules of the online game between supplier and employee have changed. You was once in a position to count on the corporate father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the organization is a digital father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you may certainly not be clear the place you stand.

    The floor of members of the family between men and women has additionally passed through an earthquake of alternate. guys of the child-boom and prior generations have been socialized, as boys, to assume a certainly prescribed role within the benign patriarchy portrayed in accepted subculture with the aid of shows corresponding to Ozzie & Harriet and leave It to Beaver. As young adults they were thrown off steadiness, ridiculed by means of the women's move, and later brushed aside by some tutorial activists as belonging to a continuum of "useless white men." In core life they find themselves competing with a newly assured species of younger professional girls. Add the drive to remain youthful and demonstrate perpetual virility, and many of modern-day guys over 40 are in predicament. If a person continues playing through the ancient scoreboard and the ancient timetable, he is likely to strike out.

    in this climate of uncertainty, hundreds of guys have talked to me candidly about all kinds of forbidden topics: their issues about getting older, the ebbing of actual strength and athletic prowess, their fears of losing their jobs and their fathers, the meaning crisis they face at the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working better halves, their wish to be nearer to their little ones earlier than they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the entire query of efficiency in all areas of their lives.

    possibly you never concept these questions would situation you. you will have under no circumstances idea about now not being younger. a well-recognized entertainer turned into shocked the first time lie went in the course of the grocery store line and he checkout girl regarded right through him. still good-looking, though his jawline is now somewhat softened, he is much less cocky and fewer confrontational; he seems to have calmed down and warmed up--features that might most likely raise his powers of attraction. Yet when we talked, he could center of attention only on the poor elements of these alterations: "You consider separated from youth at the identical time you're feeling diminished in actual electricity and stamina; you start being passed over by means of younger guys; the sex isn't as top notch as it become; an incredible need to be young again comes over you."

    when I ask guys in the event that they ever speak over these questions with their male pals, they nearly always shake their heads: "No."

    Why now not?

    "or not it's a man aspect."

    most of the time they don't even discuss these matters with their other halves, who are sometimes preoccupied with their personal midlife alterations. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i was stopped by way of an lively-searching woman with a publication bag slung over her shoulder. I begun back to college in my late thirties," she spoke of. "i may have fun my forty-2nd birthday by means of getting my diploma as a medical social employee. My husband stored complaining, 'you're altering. Why? i am the equal man you married twenty years ago.' Bingo! that's the intent we're getting divorced."

    The husband probably thinks that remaining the equal, and hiding his emotions and frustration, is being manly. He may additionally feel stuck, even trapped, through his financial tasks. He expects himself to be the equal issuer, the equal aggressive competitor he at all times become, anticipating his physique to take punishment and burn fats and attract women the style it always did. but under the bravado he doubtless would not suppose the identical thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His entire identity is tied up with the repute he has finished to this point. If he lets go even a bit, what else is there?

    He can't imagine the way to exchange. Why should still he?

    When ladies in midlife go returned to school, delivery new careers, or leave stifling marriages, for the most half they're exhilarated. although their earnings and standing isn't as wonderful as a person's, they derive more advantageous delight--as a result of they all started with so a good deal much less. The men they leave behind are often resentful, even jealous, having doubtless helped to finance a former wife's emergence into the status of "being my very own adult" on the cost of their own revamping.

    Linear reasoning is probably going to lead a man to consider, "once I obtain certain things, then i could be happy." however it isn't handiest titles and cloth accomplishments that depend. And when these external achievements fall to provide that means and joyfulness on schedule, men develop into frustrated. confused. irritated. And ashamed to confess it.

    This male malaise has no identify. it's a gloomy continent. Most men don't respect--or refuse to settle for--that they continue to move through distinct stages all the way through their grownup lives. And few guys I have studied are even conscious that important new passages still lie ahead--after 40. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to seem to be inward. They current a man with an opportunity to stretch and growth, or to lock in and regress. it is quintessential to let go of a little manage throughout these times of passage in order that an old shell will also be sloughed off and house made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to develop.

    Transitional periods are always unsettling, for any one. however a lack of attention makes it extra doubtless that a man may also slide into depression and do all types of self-damaging things. more regularly than no longer, guys aren't even mindful of being depressed. They begin slipping down the cliff, inch with the aid of inch, while clutching frantically for the rest to hang on to or easily numbing themselves to what looks like an inevitable descent down the back facet of lifestyles.

    This booklet items a brighter outlook, in response to research with modern day new men. it is men in center lifestyles who have the optimal opportunity to become masters of their fate--improved fans, improved fathers, truer to themselves and their personal values, freer to express their emotions and exercise their creativity, greater influential, more collaborative, more non secular. They want most effective competencies and a mind open enough to get hold of it.

    but time is operating out! now not very nearly as quickly as you think. really, the core years are the stage of expertise highest well-being in the lives of suit expert americans nowadays. You don't consider it? trust some facts:

ARE YOU organized FOR yet another lifestyles?

We are living throughout the ultimate miracle 'within the background of our species--the doubling of life expectancy given that the economic Revolution. returned when the USA was headquartered, lifestyles expectancy at start stood at best about 35 years. by using 1900, it reached 47 years. one of the crucial excellent trends of the 20 th century has been to stretch the life cycle through a regular of thirty years--more than the entire won over 5 thousand years going lower back to the Bronze Age! a different shock of first rate news on lifestyles expectancy appeared 'in September 1997 'in the new york instances:

In 1996 on my own, American guys introduced six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a brand new high.

    That became in accordance with an analysis of U.S. a must have information through the centers for disease control. The common male lifestyles span is now 73 years. it is additionally catching up with the feminine existence span (now a regular of seventy nine), as the variety of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of heart sickness and melanoma decline. Between now and the 12 months 2030, the share of people over age sixty five will almost double. And this could be actual, even sooner, all over Europe.

    fine, you may additionally say, but if a long lifestyles span capacity spending years with my bulb dimming and my physique falling aside, forget it. we all seem to be to our fathers and mothers as mirrors of our personal growing older. those are miscues in many ways. When our folks grew to become 50, we concept they had been historical. They notion they have been historic. seeing that 1950, unimagined advances had been made in medicine; and, extra pertinent, public fitness schooling during the mass media has precipitated profound alterations in very own habits. individuals in middle existence nowadays have a very distinct existence profile from that of their parents, who have been expected to turn off their mental engines in their fifties. They failed to dream of running marathons or gulping down hormones to retain them randy except their eighties.

    people are maturing past, physically, but taking longer to grow up emotionally, and plenty, tons longer to grow old. For the core classes, youth is now prolonged unless the conclusion of the twenties. Our First adulthood simplest starts off at about age 30. someplace across the midforties we enter a tremendous passage into what was once a fairly staid, if now not stagnant, core age.

    Yet we appear to be extra reluctant to grow up than ever before. Of the hundreds of guys over 40 whom I have interviewed, most agree with they are 5 to 10 years younger than that imposter whose photograph by some means slipped inner their passports. these days the midpoint of maturity isn't any longer always 40--it be more like 50.

Fifty is what 40 was once.

    when you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, you can alter your lens on getting older. Beneficiaries of the boom in men's fitness, biotechnology, and brain analysis, you belong to a species unparalleled on this planet, a species whose existence span will automatically lengthen into your eighties and nineties. This skill you must put together for the probability of one other lifestyles--beyond the normal roles and tasks--since the years from 40 to eighty or ninety offer you an entire new playing box: what I call your "2nd adulthood."

    In second maturity you begin to study that achievement In life is not in because of the with ease racking up features on a single scoreboard. quite, there are a couple of distinctive scoreboards--as son, mate, father, pal, colleague, mentor, community shrewd man, benefactor. The essential innings of 2nd maturity are neither performed by using the identical rules nor scored within the identical method as a young man's game. however most guys are so concentrated on successful within the first half, they constantly miss the indicators that can put together them with a winning strategy for core and later existence.

    Gary Markovitz, for instance, changed into a fine soldier. Having served in Vietnam and back to school to coach as a technocrat, he had described himself for seventeen years totally in the context of his business. "When americans asked me what i am, i was an IBMer," he admits. "no longer Gary who worked at IBM, but an IBMer."

    by means of his midforties he started to ask yourself if his batteries were wearing down, however didn't occur to him to wonder what else he could delight in doing. He heard about his enterprise's buyout present whereas on a enterprise go back and forth to San Francisco. in the beginning he had no interest in it. but on the airplane experience domestic he found himself considering a chum's latest funeral. the man had come up through the ranks at IBM with Gary and had abruptly handed away from melanoma.

    Gary discovered himself ticking off, finger via finger, simply what number of americans may be counted on to reveal up for his personal funeral. He failed to get very far. What cost did he have outside IBM? He idea about his oldest son, who become already 25. before lengthy, there would be a grandson sitting on his knee. innocent and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do this supposed whatever?"

    I made money.

    "It did not flow the grandfather test," Gary decided. "I can be doing more suitable things."

but i'm not capable!

a person in his late forties in a Minneapolis viewers expressed a standard issue of guys: "provide it to me straight. Do I need to lose vigour as I get older?"

    On the opposite. The power of mind, rooted in experience, only increases as we meet the predictable crises and accidents of lifestyles and discover our resilience. a whole new stage has spread out in the middle of existence: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from a long time 45 to sixty five. The passage from First to 2d adulthood and into the Age of Mastery actually transforms the theory of vigour.

    baby boomers need a ebook to their core life. Theirs should be a manufacturer-new journey, crammed with surprises. 4 out of every ten American adults belong to the baby-increase generation, which, based on my research with the united states. Census Bureau, ought to be divided into two subgenerations. The leading edge can be referred to as the "Vietnam technology" (born 1946-1955). this is President Bin Clinton and British major Minister Tony Blair's generation, which they describe as being effective in ideals but detached to the ancient ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties got here of age expecting that everything would at all times get better, and for most of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties shaped their utopian attention, and vestiges of that spirit are still with them, tempered by the cynicism of the instances.

    The younger half of the boomers--the "Me era"--came of age within the Nineteen Seventies (born 1956-1965) and neglected much of the idealism of the Vietnam era, however concentrated greater on own construction. They dreamed of attaining the completely balanced life and for that reason continue to postpone taking on most of the obligations of full maturity. but they are much more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, homosexual partnerships, single parenthood, and other social experiments. both halves of this dominant technology have at all times been particularly individualistic and consequently irreconcilably divided. however on one challenge they seem to be in complete agreement:

Boomers do not accept middle age.

    Boomer men do not see themselves as growing older. and they certainly do not assume any changes in their top sexual performance--it could actually happen to different guys, however not to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can raise the question: is this the beginning of the dreaded falling off?

THE need to KNOWAND THE concern OF understanding

In lectures in accordance with my ultimate book, New Passages, one query is all the time sure to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there's a need to know and an equally weighty concern of realizing. when I first grew to become aware of the phenomenon, the evidence from men became in particular anecdotal. Six men sitting around a midtown new york bar after work--virile revenue managers and a hit retailers--all of whom appear to be backing up the hill from their midforties towards the first-rate divide at 50. they have got a couple of drinks, and, within my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the leisure: "inform the reality. How repeatedly have you faked being asleep when your spouse receives into bed with a glow in her eyes)"

    each man laughs. Then a crevice falls open in the conversation. the man in the vigor tie who posed the query reaches out for a lifeline: "I imply, doesn't that happen to you guys?"

    certain, Mr. Winkle would not want to drink," an additional man says, chuckling. The relaxation chime in, placing off the difficulty on overwork, stress, having a couple of too many.

    but these occasional factors don't do a whole lot to illuminate the secret of why so many guys in middle life gradually lose their vitality and virility. They see somewhat older chums trade from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They wonder: Will it happen to me? Of direction, being men, they refuse to talk about it. At most, the area is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is jogging down the highway when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "if you select me up and kiss me, i could turninto an attractive lady."

the person picks up the frog and puts It Into his pocket.

"are not you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i could develop into a beautiful woman and you'll have me all you desire."

"i might fairly have a speaking frog in my pocket."

what's happening? Are we talking with ease about ageing? yes, but additionally about a larger problem to a man's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with actual, hormonal, psychological, and sociological accessories--it's now trendily referred to as "male menopause." "We don't yet have a term for this five- to 12-year duration of midlife in men, however we realize it is shared with the aid of both genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the world affiliation for Social Psychiatry and medical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington institution faculty of medicine.

    It soon became apparent to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is only as basic as the ending of the fertile length of a girl's lifestyles, because it strikes at the core of what it is to be a person--the thing a person has all the time counted on to deliver him pleasure, the issue that has worked for him lots of of times, mindlessly, like a laptop, through himself or with any variety of partners, the supply of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual pressure and performance.

    within the April 1993 problem of vanity fair, with Sharon Stone on the cover stripped to the waist and cupping her bare breasts, my male editors allowed me to publish some of the first full discussions of the field: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever in view that, men and ladies had been talking privately to me about this difficulty devoid of a proper identify. Interviews with more than a hundred guys between the ages of forty and 70 about this field revealed that the majority have been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up absolutely at a loss for words. I even have additionally followed the work of some two dozen scientific experts during this narrow box who examine and treat guys over forty affected by some degree of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later lifestyles. whereas the broader clinical establishment still by and big geese the area, the mass media additionally stay cautious of touching the area, and that i discovered why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

one day within the fall of 1996 I bought a call from a dynamic younger producer on the severe CBS journal exhibit 48 Hours. Chuck Stevenson had study my work on male menopause and interviewed some scientific experts, and he desired to place collectively a piece about men in middle lifestyles in sexual disaster. Chuck become only forty one. a bit young to be considering male menopause?

    "really, i am finding the subject captivating," he referred to. As he noticed it, "The precursor to guys's midlife crisis is decreased sexual capacity, which then triggers all these various psychological feelings."

    i was delighted with Chuck's enlightened method. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty got here out to do the interview within the garden of my domestic in Berkeley, together with a 3-man creation crew.

    For the interview, Chuck wanted to the touch on "technical menopause--that small percentage of men who in reality do not need the testosterone."

    What I definitely wanted to talk about changed into no longer the small percentage of men who're already so incapacitated they might are looking for surgical reduction My problem is the total center range of men who don't know what is average and who, when their sexual habits or efficiency changes, develop into so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull faraway from any intimacy. On digicam, I described the most standard situation:

The longer this difficulty continues to be unstated between a pair,the extra vast it grows, until there is an eight-hundred-poundgorilla in the bedroom. no one mentions it for sixmonths, two years, 5 years; meanwhile, the pair stopshugging, stops maintaining arms, stops touching altogether,strikes to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They turn into estranged in all sorts of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot became over, I requested the producer how the piece can be titled and promoted. "it's going to be the toughest aspect for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How will we make this phase flow with out scaring off men? We cannot say 'midlife disaster' or 'exchange of lifestyles.'" eventually, the phase turned into titled "Undercover," which become inoffensive but meaningless. Nothing became left in in regards to the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck mentioned that the piece didn't work. The purpose, he instructed me with feel sorry about, changed into the significant sensitivity of senior network executives to letting us focus on impotence.

    however it become the response of the tv creation crew that proved the most exciting. by and large, a digital camera crew tunes out while filming and simply makes a speciality of doing its job. while we mentioned the male menopause, these three men blanched and reddened, however they hung on to each observe. After the shooting they stuck around to speak.

    i wished to hear about it," one of the vital cameramen talked about candidly, "but I don't wish to talk about it."

    "It was hitting too close to domestic for me," admitted a different crew member. He was in his forties and residing through divorce hell. She was the one who left. "What basically has to be mentioned is the proven fact that when a man has a midlife sexual crisis, people frequently say, 'or not it's all on your intellect, snap out of it.'

    "nonetheless it's actually part of the herbal direction of hobbies," one of the vital cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "that is right," observed his colleague. "i will be able to see now where you might get that rhinoceros to your bedroom, or whatever you referred to as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks might form."

    "That made feel to me, too," spoke of the cameraman, "as a result of when communication breaks down in a wedding, it be all long past." abruptly his colleague had an Aha! second--a type of little epiphanies that throws a floodlight on what one's existence is in reality about.

    "that is what came about in our marriage! no person actually talked concerning the gorilla. We simply grew further and further aside. I do not consider love it became my fault. i was doing my duty, doing what i was supposed to do. i used to be just waiting it out. She received bored with waiting, and it happened abruptly--the wedding fell aside."

    Doing one's responsibility and never speakme about the internal collapse of one's whole thought of oneself is an all-too-common "manly" stance at midlife. This book is meant as a friendly e book out of such dead ends. No man should squander his valuable life "just ready it out." And once he discovers the entertaining new map of men's lives, laid out here in statistics in addition to many living examples, he should still be lured to discover new continents of creativeness and adventure not ever earlier than dreamt of by previous generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt employer All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

creator'S be aware.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX part I: WHAT DO men need? Chapter One or not it's a guy thing....................................3 Are You organized for an additional life?...........................eight however i'm no longer able!..........................................eleven The should be aware of and the fear of knowing....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the new MAP OF grownup lifestyles..........................17 The wife's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover existence?.....................22 part II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nevertheless feel LIKE a kid?..................27 The conceitedness disaster...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the daddy-Son Midlife vigor fight.......................36 should you Comin' home, Son?..................................37 The lifeless Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................forty one Chapter 4 MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................forty five Yuppie taking part in capture-up.....................................46 Banker "Excessed" at home...................................forty seven the only real Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................forty seven The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a hard Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................52 Are You What You Smoke?.....................................fifty three "The massive impossible"........................................fifty five The Reluctant Father........................................fifty eight First Fatality Jitters......................................60 relocating Up the Mortality Markers.............................sixty three Honor among guys.............................................64 Manly activities: greater than only a game.........................66 latest Manhood fashions......................................sixty nine Chapter 5 MARRIED AND MORTAL................................seventy eight The Aha! moment.............................................78 The coronary heart of the depend.....................................eighty one The Stonewaller's defense...................................eighty five The predicament with other halves......................................88 half III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2d maturity...................ninety five The Samson advanced..........................................ninety seven Mature Masculinity.........................................100 Former pro soccer famous person...................................102 Geezer in Graduate college..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 beyond energy...............................................108 Barry Diller's look for Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of affect............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR lifestyles before THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The darkish nighttime of Joe O'Dell...............................122 destructive Defenses.......................................one hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they will under no circumstances fire Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of opportunity..................................133 Midlife money Realities....................................one hundred thirty five What may Spook John Wayne?...............................136 hand over "i am the big Shot".................................137 constructing a group............................................139 Opening the non secular Dimension............................141 locate Your ardour and Pursue It............................one hundred forty four Chapter Eight LOVE AND conflict WITH other halves, FATHERS, children......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: consolation or crisis?.......................149 coaching the educate.........................................151 Withholding sex............................................a hundred and fifty five The safeguard web spouse........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................one hundred sixty mind-sex adjustments..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mother....................................................164 Father hunger..............................................166 Letting Go of a starting to be Son................................167 how many men friends can you count?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You ready for Love in the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S terrified of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL existence CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual life Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 men Behaving Intelligently.................................189 mind over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets and techniques OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You reasonably Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is greater Than intercourse..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a person's master Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial girl......................................209 Teaming as much as discover the right treatment.....................210 part V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets of well-being in the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement home...............219 don't Retire! Redirect!....................................220 looking on your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve development VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 do not back Up, extreme Tire hurt!.........................231 assist isn't complicated to Get....................................233 i'm not Having a heart attack!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of fate................................239 half VI: WHAT keeps a person younger? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL wisdom........................243 Do men ought to Die earlier than ladies?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 becoming and Regenerating mind.............................251 spiritual starvation...........................................253 Love within the Twilight of lifestyles...............................254 A Lusty wintry weather.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 dealing with Job Loss.......................................259 concepts for Surviving Job Loss in middle existence...........260 resources: career Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 supplies: Couples therapy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 shopping for a physician/Male health sanatorium...................264 substances: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual health issues..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples exercises............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning signs of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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